Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
