pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
