He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
