dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
