i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
