Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
