I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
