I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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