I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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