Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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