I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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