That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
