she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
