this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
