I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
