We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
