You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
