My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
