im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
