i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
