You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
