Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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