I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize