turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
