I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
