my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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