well I can't set my house on fire every night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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