once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
