I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
