I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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