I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize