I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
