8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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