Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
