hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
