My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Randomize
