My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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