someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My ass is underappreciated
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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