I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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