I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
that's an acceptable place to lick
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
