you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
