Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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