I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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