Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
