Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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