In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She's JV to your varsity
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
