piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just had sex on a roof
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
