Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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