I think I won the penis lottery.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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