Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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