she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
