checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize