Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
