I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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