We named our party play list daddy issues
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
