If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
