I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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