I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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