I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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