____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize