She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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