My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
